Tag: funeral wishes

In this article we are going to look at some of the ways that connections can be maintained with someone after they have died. These continuing bonds take many forms and there are lots of possibilities.

In the past, there may have been a tendency to encourage people “to move forward rather than dwelling on the past” after a significant bereavement.  We now know that this advice can be unhelpful and make people feel isolated and poorly understood. It is now accepted that finding ways to feel an ongoing connection and bond after someone has died recognises the changed nature of a relationship after bereavement and can help people find their own personal way to grieve.

The word ‘personal’ is important here because, just as every relationship is unique, maintaining a connection is a very individual thing. What works for some people will definitely not help someone else. With that in mind, the following ideas are intended to inspire and provoke your own thoughts rather than being prescriptive. We hope you find them helpful.

Photographs

People tell us that they have found it helpful to have a favourite photograph in a special place, perhaps next to a much-loved chair or on a shelf where it is easy to glance across at it often. Some people like to spend time creating an album of photographs, letters, tickets and other memories.

Personal items

Wearing a favourite piece of jewellery, whether it was a gift from the person who has died or an item that belonged to them, can create a very personal and enduring connection. Other personal items such as items of clothing, paintings, creative items or things that the person loved, can have the same comforting effect. Memorial jewellery can also be specially made.

Talking to them

So many people have told us that they take great comfort from talking to the person who has died. Often they feel embarrassed to admit that they do this but it is in fact a very common way to maintain a bond and something that people find incredibly helpful.

These conversations may happen spontaneously or in a more planned way – maybe taking place during visits to a special place.  Conversations may be about sharing news, talking about worries or problems or asking questions,

Talking about them

Other people can find it difficult to know what to say following a bereavement. They may not know how helpful it can be to talk about the person who has died. By bringing the person up in conversation, it can make it easier for you and them. It can also be helpful to talk about the person to new people, sharing the things that were special about them.

Sharing stories, reflecting on what someone might have said or thought in certain situations or remembering what was important to them are all powerful ways to make that person part of your present.

Writing letters or journalling

Journaling is often used when people are grieving as a way of processing emotions and thoughts. Writing letters to the person that has died is a similar idea and can be a useful way to stay connected as your own life moves forward, allowing you to share events, news and feelings.

Being creative

In a similar way to writing letters, creative writing such as poetry can be a helpful way to express emotion. Creativity can take many forms and our Art After Loss exhibitions are evidence of the fact that art can be a very positive vehicle when people are grieving. You can find out more about this on our Art After Loss page on our website which includes an online gallery of creative works made in response to loss.

Special days and places

Significant days like birthdays and anniversaries can be an opportunity to continue doing something which you enjoyed doing together or to take time out for a trip or favourite activity. There may also be places which you liked to visit together and these can be comforting at any time, not just on anniversaries.

Music

Listening to music is an excellent way to connect with our emotions. Some pieces of music may have particular significance for your relationship. You may even want to create your own music in memory of someone who has died. Find out more about music for wellbeing.

A favourite song, or piece of music which was played during a significant event may immediately create a strong feeling of connection to the person who has died.  Playing this music might be consoling but it may also catch you unawares while you are going about your day – which can be challenging.

Organising an event

Sometimes a death can inspire an event in memory of the person who has died and this may become a regular celebration of their life or the things that mattered to them. It might also a way to raise money for a charity that meant a lot to them or supported them during their life.

Continuing their work or ideas

If the person who has died was in the middle of a project, some people find it helpful to complete it for them. Perhaps they were making a model, putting together a family album or a family tree, training for a sporting challenge, raising money for a charity or planning a trip they had always wanted to take.

All of these ideas are simply that, and some will be more helpful than others. You may have formed your own continuing bonds and we would love to hear from you about ways you have been able to stay connected to someone after they have died. Everyone’s journey through grief is different and each person’s story can have the power to inspire somebody who may be struggling.

Read more on this topic and explore some continuing bonds activities that maintain positive memories after loss.  

If you would like support following bereavement please visit our bereavement support page on our website.

You can contact us to discuss any aspect of bereavement or funeral planning and wishes or to share your own story.

In a time where teenagers and young people form strong relationships online, we need to be able to support them after someone with whom they have an important connection with, has died.  This “digital grief” or “digital bereavement” can have a significant impact on those impacted and we consider how best to offer support in these circumstances.

Respecting the nature and depth of online friendships

Teenagers and young people typically spend a lot of time online, using social media, gaming platforms or other online communities.   Some of these online relationships can develop into friendships that are as deep and as meaningful to them as any non-online friendship.  The anonymity associated with being online may mean that young people are more able and willing to be open and unguarded.

Online relationships provide a way for individuals to connect with others without the pressure of face-to-face interactions. Experiencing a loss of such relationships can be bewildering and lead to feelings of loneliness and distress.  If this bond was private then there is also a risk that the young person may be unintentionally excluded from the funeral or other helpful activities.

Not everyone will understand

Technology is moving so quickly, and we need to accept that not everyone immediately grasps the importance and validity of online friendships.  It hard for young people to find support if they believe that the value and depth of their online relationships are not respected by others.

Sharing how they are feeling with others in their online community can help but, as with any community, not everyone will be supportive.   In extreme circumstances there is a risk that a young person may experience “disenfranchised grief” – a sense that their grief isn’t socially acceptable or is something to be ashamed of.

The first and most important way to prevent this happening is for us all to respect and validate online friendships – only when we do that will the young people we want to support believe that we can support them after bereavement.

Rituals and memorials

Loss and grief are always a unique and personal experience.  Furthermore, there are no well-worn conventions to follow after the death of an online friend.  The person who is grieving is unlikely to be invited to the funeral and even if they are, the event might not reflect the life of the person as they knew them.

We believe that attending a funeral and talking about the person who has died with others who knew them is helpful.  When these opportunities are not as readily available, it may be helpful to explore other ways to acknowledge the loss of an important life and to engage in activities which support the development of continuing bonds.

If the person who died was part of a strong online community, then the group may plan a virtual send-off that pays tribute to the person as everyone in that community knew them.

Memorial pages on social media can be helpful to some, but Facebook only allows memorial pages to be set up by someone with a death certificate which means the whole character of the page may differ from their virtual persona.

Continuing bonds

Continuing Bonds Theory says that when someone dies our relationship with them does not end, but it slowly changes over time.  The bond can remain just as strong, and some activities and rituals may help to establish and maintain the development of these bonds.

There are many individual and group activities which support the development of continuing bonds after someone has died.  Places, times, objects, songs and pictures can all be powerful and meaningful – if ideas and opportunities can be shared with the young person, then they can choose to engage in a way that feels helpful and right for them.

Finding support

Losing an online friend is a genuine loss that can be felt deeply and should never be regarded as inferior to other forms of grief. The grieving process is the same and professionals understand the emotions felt and how to offer support.

There are some excellent online bereavement support groups and grief websites suitable for young people experiencing loss.  Please get in touch if you have any specific questions, or need some advice about where you might find the support you need – we are here to help.

Websites

Teenage Grief Sucks – Grief Support by & for Teens

The Good Grief Trust: Coping with losing a friend – The Good Grief Trust

Young Minds: Dealing with grief and loss | Mental health advice | YoungMinds

Bereavement support

The Counselling and Family Centre (CFC)

Bereavement Support Group – Wednesdays 7-8.30pm. Therapist led. Email [email protected] for a Zoom invitation.

Full Circle Funerals Online Bereavement Support Group

First Wednesday of every month 5.30 to 7.30pm

Tel: 0161 928 6080 for more information

Cruse Bereavement Support, contact your local branch:

Contact your local branch – Cruse Bereavement Support

Sue Ryder – offer free personalised expert grief support by text https://sueryder.grief.coach/

Human composting, also known as natural organic reduction (NOR), is an alternative to burial or cremation that’s  currently available in some parts of the US. Full Circle Funerals has been supporting Yorkshire lawyer Ian, who’s arranged for his body to be composted, when he dies.  Here he shares with us why he chose this natural approach, and how he discussed his choices with his family.

When did you start to think about the type of funeral you wanted?

Following the death of a neighbour and serious illness in my family, when I turned 70 my own mortality suddenly hit me in the face, and I began to dwell on my death. It made me feel rather depressed, if I’m honest, but it also led me to think about what would happen to my body after I died. I’ve been to a few cremations and was unimpressed, at some, by the fact that they seemed to be no more than a conveyor belt type of service, which was rather impersonal, in my experience, with the Celebrant clearly not knowing the person at all. That said, I’ve attended two, beautiful, cremation services, in Churches, one, in fact, the neighbour’s, arranged by Full Circle, which is why I made contact with them. I also have a bit of a strange phobia of being 6ft under.

What led you to consider human composting as an option?

I read an article about human composting, in the Guardian, a couple of years ago, to which I was immediately attracted, so I was aware of this as an alternative. I’m quite environmentally aware, and like to be forward thinking, and I was an early adopter of the electric car, for example.  Despite this, and the fact that I’m known for being a bit of a non-conformist, when I mentioned human composting to my family, they thought I was absolutely bonkers!

Did you consider any other alternatives?

I looked into human composting in more detail and also looked at other processes such as aquamation, which Archbishop Desmond Tutu had, but, although the equipment is made in Leeds, this isn’t available in the UK, just yet. There’s a freeze-drying/shattering process too, I discovered, but I don’t think that’s got off the ground. I was interested in the Sikh tradition of open pyre funerals, which again involves a natural process, above ground. Following a High Court case that permitted them on religious reasons, I understand they’re now available in Northumbria, but apparently only for Sikhs. My wife and I visited two natural burial grounds, in Yorkshire, but these still involve being buried, somewhat deep underground, which I don’t want.

How did you go about researching and planning for natural organic reduction?

I’m using a company called Recompose in Seattle, WA, USA. My wife did say that she’d prefer my remains to stay in Yorkshire, but we discussed it, and I explained that a traditional funeral service isn’t something I want, as an agnostic. I want to be neither buried, nor cremated, and prefer for my remains to be returned back to nature, as soil, on the surface of the Planet, in a beautiful landscape, and I don’t want anyone to feel any obligation to make a pilgrimage to visit and tend a grave, whatsoever.

The environmental impact is quite important to me too. Cremations use a lot of natural gas, and release a lot of CO₂ etc, and cemeteries use valuable land, that’s in short supply, that could be used for other purposes. I had to confirm that my body could be transported to the US without being embalmed, as that would mean that it couldn’t be composted. I’m pleased to say that this is possible, thanks to David Billington’s researches. The only aspect with a carbon footprint is the flight, but I’ve kind of  justified that to myself in the knowledge that the flight would be going anyway, and it won’t be being arranged just for me. By being a relatively early adopter of this process, in due course, I hope that in the future it will be available more widely, particularly in the UK, so that there’s no need to travel overseas.

How does human composting work?

The whole process is very natural and beautiful. My body will be laid in a cradle within a honeycomb structure above ground and be covered with plant material, including alfalfa, wood chips and straw. I’ve chosen some of my favourite music to be played during my “laying in”. Over the next 30 days, microbes that occur naturally in our bodies and the environment will transform my body into nutrient-dense soil. The whole process is very in tune with people and nature. The soil can be returned to relatives if they live in the US, but I’ve chosen for mine to be used in a mountain re-wilding project near Seattle.

How have you found the process of choosing and setting out your funeral wishes?

It’s been an extremely positive process. I don’t have to worry any more about what will happen to my body after I die, so I’ve no fear of dying now, and it’s really helped me to know what is going to happen in the end, and, until then, I intend to live life to the fullest.

David, at Full Circle, was very friendly, understood my concerns and phobias, helpfully listened to my needs, did the necessary research, and liaised with Recompose, who are also great to work with.

I’ve signed up to Recompose’s “Precompose” plan, where I’m locked in at a fixed price, and pay a monthly instalment, by a direct debit, from my credit card. When I die, Full Circle will set the wheels in motion, in the UK, and send me to Recompose, who will take over from there. Of course, there’ll be additional fees to pay Full Circle, and I set aside a monthly sum, in a savings account specifically for that, so my wife won’t have to worry about finding that money when I go.

The NOR process is now legal in Washington State, California, Colorado and New York State (the most recent adopter). Who knows, legislation permitting, Recompose may one day open a Branch here. My Plan is transferrable to any of their locations, but, at present, I’m staying with their HQ in Seattle, a city I’ve visited, many years ago, and my son lives not too far away in Canada.

When someone is grieving it can be hard to know how best to help. We might tell them that we are there for them and ask if there’s anything we can do but often the person can’t articulate what they need.

A common practice is to bring food – we can show people that we care by taking the time to cook them something nutritious. This is a lovely gesture and is often warmly welcomed by people who might be struggling to think about feeding themselves and their families. A casserole can give them important nutrition at a time when they may be neglecting their wellbeing. A cake can be useful to offer people who drop in to offer condolences.  We also know that nutrition and hydration are important to support wellbeing after the physical and mental stress of bereavement.

Food is a practical way to help and there are plenty of other ways to give useful support after bereavement. Here are a few ideas and things that people have told us they have found helpful.

Tea and coffee

One alternative to bringing a cake or casserole is to make up a basket of teabags and ground or instant coffee, perhaps with a packet of nice biscuits too, that can be used for visitors.

Gardening

Depending on the time of year, an offer to cut the lawn or tidy the garden might be very welcome. Rather than asking whether the person would like their lawn cutting, it might be more helpful to let them know that you cut your lawn on a certain day of the week and will pop across and do theirs for the next few weeks, while you have your mower out. This can make it easier for them to accept the gesture.

Childcare

If there are young children in the family, an offer to take them to the park for a morning or help with school and activity runs is likely to be appreciated. Although they may want to involve their children in discussions about death and visits from well-wishers, the offer of a distraction for younger members of the family and help in maintaining their routine will be appreciated.

Walking the dog

Routine activities like walking the dog can feel like a huge effort following bereavement. An offer to call in once or twice a day to take the dog out is a down-to-earth way to show support. Once again, giving definite times and sticking to them will be extra helpful.

Stay in touch

If you don’t live close enough to offer practical day to day support, keep in touch with a regular phone call or visit. Remember to continue contact after the funeral and keep in mind that there is no timescale for grief. Your support and presence may be needed for some time to come.

A regular message asking – “How are you today?” lets them know that you are thinking of them and avoids asking that one big tricky question “How are you?”.

Arrange activities and outings

Everyone grieves in different ways and some people can take time before they are ready to resume things they used to enjoy doing. They may find it hard to be in group situations because they are worried about becoming emotional. Think about arranging safe activities that can be cancelled at short notice, such as a walk in the park or a trip to the beach.

Again, this is something that can continue for many months after the funeral and may even become a regular routine. When someone is grieving, it can be helpful simply to know that someone is calling in every other Friday for a walk or a cup of coffee, even if they don’t feel up to it on the day.

Don’t worry if your offers are rejected

Grief brings up all sorts of emotions and it can affect the way a person behaves from one day to the next. Try not to take it personally if your offers of help are turned down or if you unintentionally say something that is taken the wrong way. By continuing to be present, available and not taking offence, you will be providing support anyway.

Bereavement is a time of loss and change which is why the constant presence and support of friends and family members is so important. Gratitude may not always be apparent but in the long term, as the person adjusts to their new way of living, your dependability will make a difference.

If you are supporting someone who is bereaved there are some useful resources on our website that may help them. You can find details of creative activities and ways of remembering someone who has died on our page about continuing bonds. We also run a bereavement support group which is open to all.

You might be reading this because you are planning a funeral for someone who cared about the environment, or you may be thinking about sustainability for your own funeral.  This is quite a broad subject and one where we are actively engaged in gathering and sharing knowledge, to make such decisions easier in the future. In fact, we are currently undertaking research to generate more data which will help people make informed planet friendly choices about different aspects of a funeral.

In this article we have chosen to focus on 7 areas to think about when planning a funeral that has a low impact on the environment. There are many more and our team would be happy to discuss the topic in more detail, or answer specific questions you may have about funeral sustainability.

Choose to be unembalmed

Green burials, such as woodland burials (more on that in a moment), generally require bodies to be unembalmed. This is because the chemicals used in embalming have been found to seep into groundwater, which can be harmful to the environment. If you care about the planet, we recommend that you specify your preference not to be embalmed.

Green funeral travel

At Full Circle Funerals we have our own fully electric eco hearse which is a popular option for those looking to reduce their impact on the environment. In an ideal world, everyone attending the funeral would walk or cycle to the venue. A lot depends on the availability of locations which are easily accessible and the willingness of those attending. It does make sense to consider travel and transport carefully, providing plenty of information on public transport options and car sharing as much as possible. Since the covid pandemic we are all more comfortable with streaming funerals online. This could be offered to people who want to limit their impact on the environment and have a distance to travel, although being present at a funeral can be incredibly important in the grieving process and a person’s decision to travel should always be respected

Alternatives to cremation

Cremation is the most popular choice in the UK (78% of people who died in the UK in 2020 were flame cremated using gas) but the process has a high environmental impact due to the energy used and reliance on fossil fuels.  There are a number of alternatives to consider, although the choice in this country is still fairly limited. There are a good number of woodland burial sites, where burials take place in a natural woodland setting and the grave can be marked by planting a tree. Human composting and resomation (natural cremation with water) are other natural processes which have been designed to have low impact, although these are currently only available in the US. Watch this space, as there is growing interest and demand in the UK for green alternatives to cremation.

Eco caskets

We recently ran a successful Crowdfunder to fund research into how different coffin types impact the environment. This study is now being carried out by Planet Mark and will gather  data for ten common coffin choices, depending on whether they will be cremated (by flame or resomation) or buried (natural or traditional). The results will help people make more informed choices. In the meantime, eco caskets made from natural materials such as wicker and cardboard, which biodegrade easily, are popular options. There are of course many different variations on the market and some are greener than others, depending on where the materials have been sourced and the caskets made. If you need any more information to help you choose, we would be happy to help.

Green options for flowers and tributes

It is now fairly common to request charity donations instead of floral tributes at a funeral. If you do decide to have flowers, the greenest option is to choose locally grown seasonal blooms. Local growers can be found by visiting Flowers from the Farm or ask your florist to use local flowers. Other ideas include paperchains made by friends and family, paper flowers and handmade natural wreaths.

Planting a memorial tree or meadow

If you are considering the environment, you may prefer to plant a memorial tree or wildflower meadow as an alternative to a headstone or bench.

After the funeral

We know that travel contributes greatly to our environmental challenges and if people are regularly travelling long distance to a grave or other site to remember, then these miles can add up over the months and years.  Post funeral rituals are really important but it is helpful to consider options which require less travelling.  Choosing a place in a family garden for a memorial birdbath or rose bush, or a bench in a local park could be a beautiful and meaningful alternative.

If you would like to know more about green funerals read our blog or contact us  

You can also find out more here.

Flowers can play an important role during the funeral. They can bring comfort after bereavement and be a beautiful way to remember someone who has died. Because of this, you might want to preserve the flowers once the service has concluded. There are a few ways that you can do this.

Pressed Flowers

Pressing the petals will allow you to make beautiful art from your funeral flowers. The good news is that this is very easy to do. In this case, you will need to carefully remove the petals from your flowers. Once you have done this, you will need to press them flat. This can be done by placing them into a book and closing the pages. You will often need to wait for a week for the petals to become flat. If you have a flower press, you can also use this piece of equipment.

Once you have done this, you can spray the flowers with hair spray. While this sounds a little unconventional, it will preserve the color for a few more months. If you want more tips about pressing flowers, check out this article.

After you have dried out your petals, you can turn them into a piece of art to remember the person that has died. For example, you might want to use a hot glue gun to stick them to a piece of paper. This can be marked with the name of the person that has died, the date they were born, and the date they died. Another option is to stick the flowers around a picture frame of the person that has died.

Creating Dried Flowers

If you want to create dried flowers, there are a few options that you can explore. One of the easiest options is to dry-hang them. In this case, you will need to bind the stems together. Then, tie a piece of string around them. Then, you will be able to hang them on a rod or a hanger. Then, you can leave them to air dry. This will often take between three to four weeks. It’s best to do this in a location that doesn’t have a lot of humidity.

Another option you can explore is oven-drying your flowers. In this case, you will need to choose a baking tray and cover it with a layer of sand. Place the flowers in the tray, covering them with sand. Then, place them into the oven, which should be set to 200 degrees Fahrenheit (93 degrees Celsius). Often, it will take two hours for them to dry out, though it’s best to check on them after an hour. After doing this, you will need to wait for the flowers to cool down before you handle them.

A third option is to dry them out in the microwave. In this case, you will need to place a layer of silica at the base of the container. Then, you will need to put the flower on top and cover it with silica. Place a glass of water next to it in the microwave. Then, keep microwaving the flower in 30-second increments until the flower is dry.  You will need to leave it in the silica container for 24 hours. This article gives you more tips on how you can dry out your flowers.

Once you have finished drying out your funeral flowers, you should give them a thin coating of hair spray. This helps preserve the color of the flower. You can then display your bouquet of dried funeral flowers in a vase in your home. The color should last for several months before it starts to fade.

Wax Dipping

Finally, you might want to consider wax dipping your flowers. To do this, you will need to use some melted paraffin wax. This can either be melted in a saucepan or a slow cooker. It’s best to use a pot liner to make the clean-up process easier. Just remember that this type of wax is very flammable, so be careful when you are melting it down.

Once the wax is melted, take the pot off the heat and wait for it to cool. You should be able to stick your finger in without burning yourself. Furthermore, you shouldn’t notice the wax bubbling around the flower, or causing the flower to wilt when you dip it in. If this is happening, it’s a sign that the wax is too hot.

Once the wax is at the right temperature, you will need to dip the flower head into the wax. This is often easier if you trim the stem before you begin. You will need to dip the flower head twice. Then, wait for a few minutes while the wax hardens, preserving your flower. Once the wax is hard, you’ll need to repeat the process, dipping the stem. In the end, the whole flower should have a thin coating of wax. This will help your flowers retain their beauty for several months or years.

Conclusion

A bouquet of beautiful flowers can bring comfort during the funeral and help you remember someone important and unique. This list of funeral flowers can give some ideas for the type of flowers that can be used to create meaningful and personal arrangements. Hopefully, you now have a better idea of some ways to keep these flowers looking fresh for several months, so you can remember the funeral that you created as a final gift.

Why it can be helpful to express your funeral wishes when you know you are reaching the end of your life

Learning that you have a life-limiting illness or terminal diagnosis requires many adjustments in the way you think, feel, and communicate with your friends and family. In time, one of the things you may start to think about is how you would like to be remembered and the kind of funeral you want.

We have helped many people in this situation to start thinking about their funeral choices and prepare themselves to talk to those closest to them about their wishes. The feedback we have had, both from the person who is expressing their wishes and those making the funeral arrangements, is that exploring and making funeral wishes is a positive experience for everyone involved.

Here are some of the reasons why people tell us they have found it helpful.

It allows them to talk more openly about what is happening

Some countries and cultures around the world feel much more comfortable talking about death than we tend to in the UK, where there is typically fear and avoidance around the topic.  Broaching the subject of your funeral wishes can overcome some of these barriers, trigger meaningful conversations and help those closest to you to overcome their own fears. People tell us that these conversations can feel liberating and create a closeness and understanding that would not otherwise have been possible.

It gives them time to consider what is possible

Almost anything is possible when you are arranging a funeral and there are very few rules that must be followed. When we talk to people about their wishes, we encourage them to think about the things that are important to them. By introducing elements that reflect their interests and personality, the whole occasion can become very unique. We believe it is important to give people the space to explore what they want and to guide them gently by letting them know what is possible. Sometimes the conversation can take a surprising and uplifting direction which might only happen with this time and space to explore.

It can be a gift to those making the arrangements

When we are supporting people to arrange a funeral, we are deeply aware of their desire to fulfil the wishes of the person who has died. If the person had a conversation with them before they died or left written wishes, it is almost like a gift to those making the arrangements. Fulfilling these wishes is very consoling and can help with the grief process.

It gives peace of mind

When you have made the big decisions yourself and have set out your funeral wishes, you have peace of mind that everything will be done as you would like. You are leaving nothing to chance. People tell us that they often feel a great sense of relief when all the decisions have been made and shared, either in writing or verbally.

There is time to plan

We understand how beneficial it can be for people to express their wishes and for others to know that they are doing things in the way they would want, and we offer free support to people who want to discuss their funeral wishes with us. There is no obligation to use us for the funeral.

We are here to provide information and gentle support to help people make the choices that are important to them. Our funeral specialists are sensitive and experienced. They will spend time supporting people to think about the type of funeral they want and the choices available, making it as easy as possible for them to create the funeral they want.

If you would like to talk to us about expressing your funeral wishes, please email [email protected] or call us. If you work in a sector where you support people who may benefit from expressing their funeral wishes, we have resources available. Please get in touch.

You may also be interested in reading about Mandy’s funeral wishes and how she found it helpful to explore what was possible.

Read our blog: How a funeral can be made more personal